so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
