I'm jealous of your bromance
I can text with my tongue
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
