i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
