Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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