My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
