I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
