Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
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