my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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