Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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