I puked a lego.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
