I wannas sexs uuuuu
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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