My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Never let your siblings swipe right.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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