I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
