Your tits are I can't wait for
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Randomize
