I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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