Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
