He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
