there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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