life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
