literally had 100 drinks last night.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
She just used a chaser for red wine.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
