When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
