her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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