Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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