I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
