Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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