I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Randomize
