cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
