my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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