I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
