I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
