i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
