Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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