Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
