3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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