hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
