my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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