You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
