wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
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