Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize