I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
