Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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