i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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