So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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