I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
