sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Randomize
