My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
