i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
