The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
