My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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