You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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