Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
