Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
True strength comes from lack of pants
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
