When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
We left the knife in your bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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