You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
