Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
