The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Another day, another engagement, another cat
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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