just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
