You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
