Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Sext me about skeletons
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
