She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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