Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
