Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
