The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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