I think I won the penis lottery.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
