didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
