ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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