on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
